The Most Expensive Pencil

    Once again, I didn't want to leave.

    I wanted to leave more than always despite the bed calling me back to when the sun isn't up yet, but will be. I flirted with the timeline and damn near missed. She would've waited anyway. She saw me from across the intersection and waited. I shouldn't have, but '"ran" and shared a smile when we had that one time to share a smile with one another. I've been doing this long enough to be recognized from across the street. And, if I'm wrong? I made it, anyway. I'd love a nap, but it wasn't in the cards, or prescience. It's better that way. I can sleep once I'm dead.

    The walk along the lagoon was cordial. I'd be too early to class, but there's a plan for that. Fish'll breach. Monarchs, moths, hummingbirds, and bees will flutter by and Egrets will hunt their shore making me take a double take, wondering if they're little Herons. The Ospreys are out doing their thing. I surely will pause. We should all do this more. The flowers on the trail are starting to wilt but are hangin' on, for now. Desert cottontails will show face and, when no questions are asked about what I'm looking at, neither side will understand. That's alright.

    A conversation in the courtyard after class motivates me. The marine layer is making June's Gloom blush.

    I can slow roll this because the Shanty doesn't open 'til noon. I should slow role this because I'm pretty sure that I'm going to need a pencil later and I wonder if The Shanty accepts random deliveries? We're going to fucking find out. I couldn't walk even a step further without a pencil. I didn't want to, but would choose to venture inland to get one, if I had to. 7-eleven had already failed my expectations, so Uber it is. Jerry will bring me a pack of pencils, of which I have many but had forgotten today, and it's worth the twenty bucks for a two buck thing. I'm the only one on the patio, anyway. Beautiful people do walk by and I wonder if they know that they don't have to try to be beautiful.

    I know where I'm going now! This day is better with a pencil in hand or stayed by the friction of my bad ear and hat that will continue to perpetuate a tan line that I might be the only one to notice or care about. I've heard the train horn signal twice, at least, but none of them are for me. Eventually, but not yet. It doesn't deserve me in this state. 

    I wrote some things down, and believe me, I also crossed some of them out.

    I ended up on Moonlight Beach in the daytime where the surf is just right for me and also hoping that my shorts will dry enough to be less embarrassed when I get to the place that I'm supposed to be at tonight. I mostly judged the tide right. Wasn't worried about the thing that I had to worry about later. Neither was anyone else. 

Adjacent

I used to hate being alone

especially whenever my thoughts 

were with me, too

Now, I never feel lonely and 

I think that I may have found

a pretty good companion

An Observation

A tiny junior lifeguard

covered in sand

carries her board

while the shorter

for another day boys

walk by unencumbered

Nostalgia Realized

That stickiness from the salt

is finally on me today

like it was

on one of those yesterdays

Apparently, 

the sea is like a bicycle

Encounter

Don't psychoanalyze her

Revel in the hazel eyes

     that haven't darted away from yours

Appreciate that she introduced herself, first

Differentiate introductions from attraction and

continue conversations;

     They're more important than anything else

You haven't fucked it up, yet

Don't.

Capaldi

I had sex with a woman and this song, in London,

who I met while tending bar, in Austin.

She was awesome and beautiful,

but I wasn't, then.

Halsey

should... is the most dangerous presumption

I wanna start this out and say

I gotta get it off my chest

I feel you

Got no anger, got no malice

Just a little bit of regret

I feel you more

and now I'm moving with more attention

Know nobody else will tell you

so there's some things I gotta say

Gonna jot it down and then get it out

and then I'll be on my way

...

is she me?

No, you're not half the man

you think that you are

Tell me about it

And you can't fill the hole

inside of you with money, drugs, and cars

Two of three is still pretty close

I'm so glad I never, ever, had a baby

with you

Holy shit, if you only knew

how glad is too meek a word

'Cause you can't love nothing

unless there's something in it

for you

I think that you might be right,

but I'm trying to get better

Oh, I feel so sorry,

I feel so sad

I tried to help you,

it just made you mad

This could be she speaking to me

or me talking to her

And I had no warning

about who you are

I'm just glad I made it out, 

without breaking down

and then ran so fucking far

In my head

I'm the runner

and thank. fucking. god.

There's more to this story.

*Italicization in this piece indicates excerpted lyrics from "You should be sad" by Halsey

Frangipane, A.N, et al. (2020) You should be sad [Lyrics]. Accesseed 06.18.2024 from Spotify.

I DO NOT HAVE PERMISSION TO USE THIS! but I hope she won't mind. 

A Realization

It was right before I wrote it

and worse after I read it.

gorgeous legs and a too tall sock tan

     I know it's summer now because the girls are more beautiful and out and about, telling their stories to friends who walk beside them and unknowingly to those found behind them, too.

     Young Marines meander by, knowing more than the rest, because they've earned their EGA and are confident in all of the things that they've already been lied to about. They don't know that they're no longer a threat here. I'll see them again before they ever see me and chuckle about it aloud. They won't ever know why. 

     A Sailor not from here passes. No cover, headphones on. In uniform. For a second I had something to say then realized I'm not an NCO anymore. So, I wrote this instead of saying that.

Originally Unmotivated

     I fully expected to just go home after class. I was exhausted. Class exhausts me more sometimes and today it was especially true. But I was surprised when the sun had already come out afterward and felt that home would be wasted on the day. Duke's was closed until later, so I found the Shanty and at the moment it was correct. I'll make the right wrong decision on another day. Maybe.

Something is Written

If I'm with a woman

    I don't write

If I'm not with a woman

    I write about her

Am I the only one who thinks about these things?

If you care

there's a difference between where apostrophes live but let's not talk about commas. 

Also

 The train sways more in San Antonio.

Amtrak

         I made it, if just by the skin of my teeth. I had just enough time for two big rips off two mild pens and also to regret that I had to leave. It's definitely nap time and I hope that I dream of this amazing day. 

If I Could Have a Son

I don't know, Aves.

Congratulations?!

I don't know a whole hell about a lot of things.

I know that I've always thought that you just get it.

You honor all of all of us while being an expert that we only see sometimes

and we're lucky.

We're fortunate that you might have some questions to ask,

knowing that you'll figure it out eventually, anyway. 

I can learn more from you.

I should learn more from you.

Mostly, I'm happy for you. 

I'm happy that you'll prove me wrong sometimes. 

Chuco Town

a text said:

Pulling into El Paso now.

If there weren't you or anything else

I might've stayed here, again,

for a little while longer

people choose to live in this place and I want to meet them

      I can see the 10 on my left as I'm carried east and I know that I've been right fuckin' there in a place that I can see but it seems so far away. I only know that it's over there because the lifeblood of our expectations are taller and mostly painted white. There are mountains beyond the valley where trains before are want to pass through whether I look left or right. Some are closer. Some are almost make-believe. But they're there and I'm on my way. 

There's a bunch of trashed cars burnt up in a random canyon, btw. 

My Ted Talk

How to be Derivative Once Everything's Been Done, Once, Before

Our Thoughts Trek Too

If I had to guess,

they're far more apprehensive of me

and my plausible intentions

than I am of my

perception of their

sudden reception of me

from 'round the corner.

But probably only barely. 

After a Shave and a Haircut

 I’ve never known what it is

to be a newcomer in America,

     but I’ve felt the frustration of communication

     as an uninvited foreigner.

I’ve never felt lonely in a room full of extended family

     sleeping on top of one another,

     but I’ve slept on top of some people

     I sometimes consider family

     and never was closer or

     more alone.

I’ve been homeless, but in retrospect,

     I didn’t have to be. 

     Let’s call it a handicap.

     Today, I only, probably, smoke

     half of my cigarettes because

     I give the remainder to those 

     more transient than I am

     at the moment.

     To-Go Boxes, if they’re on the menu.

I would never have thought that I'd like Country music, but

once upon a time, sharing oxygen on a cattle truck in southern Georgia

would also have been a statistical anomaly.

My first time hearing "Friends in Low Places"

with orchestration behind it was

in a bar that I used a fake ID to get into.

I already knew all the words.

And now I love the Country.

I never thought that I’d meet a conservative immigrant

     until I started leaning a little more left

     and asking a few more questions aloud.

     I forgot once that people could be good, too.

I never, not once, went underfed growing up,

     though my parents and physicians

may’ve thought otherwise at times.

I have since gone hungry too many times.

     Some of those were with warrant, however.

     I believe those we care for should always eat before you.

     But should anyone, anywhere,

     have to ever ask themselves

can of peas or can of corn for dinner tonight

from the parking lot of the Dollar General

     while sifting through the last of the change

that they had honorably earned (but payday’s tomorrow!)?

     The lot does have okayish lighting

     so it’ll be safer to sleep in the car here.

     There’s that, I guess.

I never understood why people

     took their differences so seriously.

     You’re damn right I appropriated that.

     Because it’s fucking awesome!

     I’ll do it again and always.

     I hope you do the same.

     It’s clear to me now that

     we’re far more similar than we are,

     or ever could possibly be,

     different.

I never really believed in

     the things that they were telling me

     and, maybe, that’s why

     it's hard to believe in myself.

An Encounter on Black Canyon Road

    Holy shit, what was that?! 

    She smelled the taste of dust in the air made turbulent by the thankfuly swerving Jeep that may've well as been a Snipe, as far as she was concerned. More concern was immediately warranted. Another monstrosity from the opposite direction had deposited two, still huge but smaller, things on the sunny path from each of its flanks. Just don't move and nothing can see me. They still approached. She watched, holding her breath as they divided and placed her between. Black rectangles appeared forward of them as she felt exceptionally watched.

    Suddenly, the more confident thing had her embraced and she was suspended over the earth, surprisingly warm in some of her spots. If I'm going to fly, I'm going find the best view. She propelled like normal, but this time it brought her up. She was a little scared but unafraid. Vibrations abounded loudly and it appeared as if the things might be communicating.

    The higher thing vibrated a response and then had some warmth, too. I'm still pretty damn high. The subservient thing awed more. We appreciated together, I think. I'm ready to go. The other thing was ready, too, apparently. 

    Falling quickly from her heavens, she breathed again. This is real but now I believe. And she safely went about her day.  

I-65 South

    There was no real reason to get into the left lane except that a pile of trash on the right shoulder was real enough for me. I didn't know what the hell was playing on the radio but it was just as terrible, so I pressed the seek button on the console for some relief. It was cold and I was sweating. I wanted to smoke but mostly wouldn't when my new bride was in the car. "Today is the anniversary of the Columbia disaster," I overheard the new channel's DJ announcing after the static. I listened for context for some seconds and, perplexed, spoke towards the gorgeous wife who already couldn't know me anymore...

 "A fuckin' space shuttle blew up?!"

Something for another day

    I thought to myself, haven't seen a crab in a while, while scrambling down from the beautifully eroded stone bluff to engage with the surf below. Still hadn't after the jaunt, but at least I'd gotten my feet wet. From this angle, it was easy to spot prehistoric sea shells poking out from shore and, also, the newer millionaires up above, probably worrying. Having been formally worn smooth by the tide and by some feet respectively, the sight persists for those who choose to view it. I looked back toward the horizon, out past the break, and felt less ancient.

Excuses

I think that we may slowly be

being poisoned by an absence of good words.

So many adjectives and such

little time to untangle them. 

When does a tale tell itself?

A tail follows, by design.

Do you hear the words when you read them?

Are they pretty?

Do they feel right?

Do you feel?

Is it such a terrible thing to find beauty everywhere?

Why did I have to hate so much before?

Why have I been so poisonous?

A Muse

I don't have anything against Luke (Combs).

I think that I might actually like some of his shit.

I read somewhere that he covered Tracy and heard it was good.

I didn't listen, but by accident.

I don't know, didn't feel right.

It's hard to admit feeling validated for previous appreciations.

Thank you for all of the everything and especially The Promise, Tracy.

And thank whoever god might be for your other moment. 

another O'sider night

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that it took so long.

I'm not sorry that you wanted to throw some punches after I called you out. 

And I'm definitely not sorry that I did the thing that always should be done. 

I'm happy to have done it. 

Bashful but Said Anyway

It feels like a better version of a middle school crush. I don't know what's happening but I like it and I'm going to be weird about it because I don't know what normal is. Yet. 

[x]

I don't know, but maybe, I think.

I thought that I wasn't supposed to have it.

I wasn't supposed to have been reached in the same way.

Had I earned this moment?

I was being taught that our stories are stories. 

Late night note that I don't know what to do with... yet

Music just hits different, right?

There's so much extra context and (bonus) syntax.

I want to write the way musicians speak to me.

I want them to know that I can sing their story, too.

Why the fuck do you need a title, exactly?

I remember driving.

I think it was Tehachapi.

I said that my guilty pleasure was

Ke$ha, now

Kesha.

It's my pleasure and fuck guilt.

Nodding in Agreement with Oneself

There was a time where

I was in love with this track

and I'm unsure of why

until the next time

I hear it again

the right way

Screen Off Memos or a Fever Dream

There's an actual child

and she's actually fat as fuck

at 1:21 in the morning.

    But then again, 

it is what it is.

Pepper tree story!

I saw the chickens

and wanted to be them

Walking down old country roads

is an exercise in trust

Doesn't seem right

being surrounded by olives.

Or Eucalyptus

Thank you,

old, fat lizard,

for allowing me to

hold you for a moment

    You remind me of when

I was young and fast and

caught young and fast lizards.

    Thank you.

The seemingly random

(this is about the pretty, little, red flowers

     and that memory is mine)

I went the right way

because it was literal

I take pictures to share but

the little red flowers are for me

 

I wish that I could tell you 

how to share this moment with me

    Alas, it is but [something?]

Nature and a moment

gave this seat to me

I want to go to 

all of the places where

only the few go

I still say these

things in my head

that I hate to say

This (a view)

is a better story than

I could ever hope to tell

Eventually,

I went to take a drag

but it was already out

    I thanked myself

and walked about

I had to tell myself

to just be there for a fucking moment

That's going to be more fun

when I'm less drunk

I decided before

and realized after

We don't have fireflies

but we've got

white moths at twilight

You only get to see the trees

that no one sees

if you go and find them

The right kind of lost

The pretty little tree

with the pretty and sudden spring flowers

and the caution tape around it

looked more sad than the other

less pretty trees

Walked into the resort dancing

like I was in a Maklemore video

to this fuckin' gem,

I texted to the friend

Sang a bunch in the shower;

Hot water for that Counting Crows song

    (the one with the cello) and

that Lana track

"if you know, you know"

I walked where

fewer people have

I've seen hot girls

walk funny too

Smokin' time.

Just the red leaf

this time

I'm sitting outside to smoke

and wondering,

    are these people like me?

Children + Casino = strange

They look that good

so that they can resent

all of those

looking them down

and somehow

feel better about it.

MPs

I forget, exactly, why 

that night in Hesse

I was arrested. 

But I was, pretty, sure.

    Others could tell it better.

    Others could remind me.

Mostly, I was alone and

somehow I was let off.

It wasn't actually a big deal

but sometimes I remember it.

Chug a' Lugg's

 There's the two types of Chuggs:

   ~the "Chug, Chuug, Chugg," with constant sips and swallows, and

   ~ the long 'Chhuuggg," where the Chugger chugged long and held both close and far before the swallow. The one like gutting a dip before the boss suddenly comes around. 

A drunk guy told me this while I was too, drunk.

Untitled One

My little cigar is

again unlit because

enthusiasm for lighting

was extinguished by

sudden excitement

for that. new. track.

Bedtime

I wanted to but,

I didn't write anymore

because

I couldn't smoke weed

    in the room and

I couldn't smoke (smoke)

    in this or any room anymore and

I'm out of booze and

though there's a good window,

there isn't a view when it's dark outside

and in your soul,

too

But maybe that's why

I always leave the curtains open 

Temecula

Shade on the foothills,

sun on the (actual) snow-capped mountaintops.

I think that I know,

but am satisfied with

being close enough to

being right enough to fit in

with the (uninformed) locals.

I see what I see and

I know what I know.

Sometimes I'm right.

[Ir]reverence

How many things

I have seen before

so words heard were

uncertainly 

expected

unencumbered on a memory

expecting exception

for the 

now, new, few?

Exceptional tall tales

fallow until the backward 

words prevail

until entrails of

surprising suspends

what I've forgotten

and where I suspect

that the deities have fallen fealty 

I died today 

so that tomorrow 

might've heard me

Weight! that's another 

lover loving their

unrealized future

unforgiven then

once again remembered

extremities

double plus ungood

and should is the worst word

skewed is the most truest

unacceptable

forgiving thin

explanations 

and fears' extrapolations 

aghast'd whims

and

sudden realizations 

Said that you

NO

different knowing

for ever

lasting spent

portmanteaus 

could have been

something else

entirely 

Said to Myself

20220901

My introduction to politics 

was through Tupac

But I didn't know it

Poet unknown

Yet, still, I loved Biggie

he spoke and

the hooks held me

Unfortunately

forbidden

I was disallowed

I'd never been to Brooklyn

but I felt it

When I ran to the store

It was because I knew that

the gangs wouldn't chase me

Too lazy

Street justice was 

fast or faster

I was faster

Years prior

I had desired

that radio DJs would just

stop fucking talking

at the end of the song(s)

Yet they kept on

when I would press play

or pause

on my cassette

Those ones that I stole from my Mom

Belinda Carlise was

unimportant but repurposed

She probably doesn't know to this day

Under the Bridge!

Under a smidgen we're told

defined

and so far away but

closer than I could know

My words are write

and wrong

Am I self and

unsuspecting?

Am I lying to myself

or just telling that

I felt older

when I was younger

than I do now that I'm

Old

I was perfect 

because I couldn't be

anything else

I was

ineffectual for a time

until I learned

Harry Belafonte tapes

were as important

as Sublime CDs were

I was on 

the wrongest street

But the writest

think

The things that I wanted to say

remembered

that they've been unsaid

Serotiny

Just remember

I hate myself more 

than y'all ever will

Or could

Should've misinterpreted 

syllables

I'm lonely

I don't see how

it correlates

But I suspect

most things are wrong

I expect

to be told differently

I engender sympathy

When I ask, invariably

[skip]

Why do I wake up?

Uncertain.

Look, maybe I 

will shape 

that thing unknown

the spring unexpected 

is growing

So, tired.

Tried to explain

entertaining 

expectations and

explored altruistic

vacating sensations

where words fall away

Where words today 

are unknown but

get written

anyway

Suppose their relevance

expose

sure, there it is

fantastic

things are

applicable

to a moment

hear

exponential

under

stand

ingress

simply

Here I am

years later

undeniably

denied the 

demise that 

I promised to me

the unexplained

things 

according 

to beliefs

that I tell

myself everyday

And yet

I survive

I write

no wrongs 

but those that I belong to 

A right

is left to explore

surety

that exists,

epidemic

and subsisting

on memories

fallacy 

supposedly 

I can say so many things

no, apparently

I am

me

or not

remembering

purpose

after the

fact is more 

easily expressed

less expected

than those words

that creep up

during the day

exciting me 

in a moment 

forgotten

like a 

goddamned

memory's

undetermined

impact

Like I need

like an analogy  

was supposed to be next

an apology 

for yesterday's parable 

is suddenly suspect

and I'm able

Coincidence

coincides with

condemnations

exciting

Lead [with] trying

to remember

that last time that I

surrendered more

than

I expected to

I don’t know

I never do

I don’t is

Exhausting

is expecting

Is explicit choosing

indifference specific enough?

This is shifting

Everything is enticing

Anything is

Things are

And stories go

But

Conversations forgotten 

are more important

Explanations: mean

I’m just one,

A type away…

She carefully treads

in a picture

Dichotomy

Lonely’d me again

Why are all the last best stories told

When we’re fucked up?

I don’t know

I’m scared

I suppose

I’m not too mad about it.

Fair exposition is

exponentially

exposed

Fail

Telling myself

’Great job, people saver.

With expectations explaining

favor misunderstood

and savoring bullshit.’

Entice something more

and apologize like I do

when writing in another

place.

I’m supposed to face

I save face

I have no fucking idea

how to do those things

How do you 

learn

how to be an asshole?

Why do you regret it,

especially,

when expectations

fuckin’ agree

that altruism denies

such easy possibilities?

Sincerity 

Is the succinct

when you wear it, and

where suspect is too normal

To formulate is the easy way

to expect

facilitations

expectations

suspect

explanations

unexplained

serenity