The Most Expensive Pencil

    Once again, I didn't want to leave.

    I wanted to leave more than always despite the bed calling me back to when the sun isn't up yet, but will be. I flirted with the timeline and damn near missed. She would've waited anyway. She saw me from across the intersection and waited. I shouldn't have, but '"ran" and shared a smile when we had that one time to share a smile with one another. I've been doing this long enough to be recognized from across the street. And, if I'm wrong? I made it, anyway. I'd love a nap, but it wasn't in the cards, or prescience. It's better that way. I can sleep once I'm dead.

    The walk along the lagoon was cordial. I'd be too early to class, but there's a plan for that. Fish'll breach. Monarchs, moths, hummingbirds, and bees will flutter by and Egrets will hunt their shore making me take a double take, wondering if they're little Herons. The Ospreys are out doing their thing. I surely will pause. We should all do this more. The flowers on the trail are starting to wilt but are hangin' on, for now. Desert cottontails will show face and, when no questions are asked about what I'm looking at, neither side will understand. That's alright.

    A conversation in the courtyard after class motivates me. The marine layer is making June's Gloom blush.

    I can slow roll this because the Shanty doesn't open 'til noon. I should slow role this because I'm pretty sure that I'm going to need a pencil later and I wonder if The Shanty accepts random deliveries? We're going to fucking find out. I couldn't walk even a step further without a pencil. I didn't want to, but would choose to venture inland to get one, if I had to. 7-eleven had already failed my expectations, so Uber it is. Jerry will bring me a pack of pencils, of which I have many but had forgotten today, and it's worth the twenty bucks for a two buck thing. I'm the only one on the patio, anyway. Beautiful people do walk by and I wonder if they know that they don't have to try to be beautiful.

    I know where I'm going now! This day is better with a pencil in hand or stayed by the friction of my bad ear and hat that will continue to perpetuate a tan line that I might be the only one to notice or care about. I've heard the train horn signal twice, at least, but none of them are for me. Eventually, but not yet. It doesn't deserve me in this state. 

    I wrote some things down, and believe me, I also crossed some of them out.

    I ended up on Moonlight Beach in the daytime where the surf is just right for me and also hoping that my shorts will dry enough to be less embarrassed when I get to the place that I'm supposed to be at tonight. I mostly judged the tide right. Wasn't worried about the thing that I had to worry about later. Neither was anyone else. 

Adjacent

I used to hate being alone

especially whenever my thoughts 

were with me, too

Now, I never feel lonely and 

I think that I may have found

a pretty good companion

An Observation

A tiny junior lifeguard

covered in sand

carries her board

while the shorter

for another day boys

walk by unencumbered

Nostalgia Realized

That stickiness from the salt

is finally on me today

like it was

on one of those yesterdays

Apparently, 

the sea is like a bicycle

Encounter

Don't psychoanalyze her

Revel in the hazel eyes

     that haven't darted away from yours

Appreciate that she introduced herself, first

Differentiate introductions from attraction and

continue conversations;

     They're more important than anything else

You haven't fucked it up, yet

Don't.

Capaldi

I had sex with a woman and this song, in London,

who I met while tending bar, in Austin.

She was awesome and beautiful,

but I wasn't, then.

Halsey

should... is the most dangerous presumption

I wanna start this out and say

I gotta get it off my chest

I feel you

Got no anger, got no malice

Just a little bit of regret

I feel you more

and now I'm moving with more attention

Know nobody else will tell you

so there's some things I gotta say

Gonna jot it down and then get it out

and then I'll be on my way

...

is she me?

No, you're not half the man

you think that you are

Tell me about it

And you can't fill the hole

inside of you with money, drugs, and cars

Two of three is still pretty close

I'm so glad I never, ever, had a baby

with you

Holy shit, if you only knew

how glad is too meek a word

'Cause you can't love nothing

unless there's something in it

for you

I think that you might be right,

but I'm trying to get better

Oh, I feel so sorry,

I feel so sad

I tried to help you,

it just made you mad

This could be she speaking to me

or me talking to her

And I had no warning

about who you are

I'm just glad I made it out, 

without breaking down

and then ran so fucking far

In my head

I'm the runner

and thank. fucking. god.

There's more to this story.

*Italicization in this piece indicates excerpted lyrics from "You should be sad" by Halsey

Frangipane, A.N, et al. (2020) You should be sad [Lyrics]. Accesseed 06.18.2024 from Spotify.

I DO NOT HAVE PERMISSION TO USE THIS! but I hope she won't mind. 

A Realization

It was right before I wrote it

and worse after I read it.

gorgeous legs and a too tall sock tan

     I know it's summer now because the girls are more beautiful and out and about, telling their stories to friends who walk beside them and unknowingly to those found behind them, too.

     Young Marines meander by, knowing more than the rest, because they've earned their EGA and are confident in all of the things that they've already been lied to about. They don't know that they're no longer a threat here. I'll see them again before they ever see me and chuckle about it aloud. They won't ever know why. 

     A Sailor not from here passes. No cover, headphones on. In uniform. For a second I had something to say then realized I'm not an NCO anymore. So, I wrote this instead of saying that.

Originally Unmotivated

     I fully expected to just go home after class. I was exhausted. Class exhausts me more sometimes and today it was especially true. But I was surprised when the sun had already come out afterward and felt that home would be wasted on the day. Duke's was closed until later, so I found the Shanty and at the moment it was correct. I'll make the right wrong decision on another day. Maybe.

Something is Written

If I'm with a woman

    I don't write

If I'm not with a woman

    I write about her

Am I the only one who thinks about these things?

If you care

there's a difference between where apostrophes live but let's not talk about commas. 

Also

 The train sways more in San Antonio.

Amtrak

         I made it, if just by the skin of my teeth. I had just enough time for two big rips off two mild pens and also to regret that I had to leave. It's definitely nap time and I hope that I dream of this amazing day. 

If I Could Have a Son

I don't know, Aves.

Congratulations?!

I don't know a whole hell about a lot of things.

I know that I've always thought that you just get it.

You honor all of all of us while being an expert that we only see sometimes

and we're lucky.

We're fortunate that you might have some questions to ask,

knowing that you'll figure it out eventually, anyway. 

I can learn more from you.

I should learn more from you.

Mostly, I'm happy for you. 

I'm happy that you'll prove me wrong sometimes. 

Chuco Town

a text said:

Pulling into El Paso now.

If there weren't you or anything else

I might've stayed here, again,

for a little while longer

people choose to live in this place and I want to meet them

      I can see the 10 on my left as I'm carried east and I know that I've been right fuckin' there in a place that I can see but it seems so far away. I only know that it's over there because the lifeblood of our expectations are taller and mostly painted white. There are mountains beyond the valley where trains before are want to pass through whether I look left or right. Some are closer. Some are almost make-believe. But they're there and I'm on my way. 

There's a bunch of trashed cars burnt up in a random canyon, btw. 

My Ted Talk

How to be Derivative Once Everything's Been Done, Once, Before

Our Thoughts Trek Too

If I had to guess,

they're far more apprehensive of me

and my plausible intentions

than I am of my

perception of their

sudden reception of me

from 'round the corner.

But probably only barely. 

After a Shave and a Haircut

 I’ve never known what it is

to be a newcomer in America,

     but I’ve felt the frustration of communication

     as an uninvited foreigner.

I’ve never felt lonely in a room full of extended family

     sleeping on top of one another,

     but I’ve slept on top of some people

     I sometimes consider family

     and never was closer or

     more alone.

I’ve been homeless, but in retrospect,

     I didn’t have to be. 

     Let’s call it a handicap.

     Today, I only, probably, smoke

     half of my cigarettes because

     I give the remainder to those 

     more transient than I am

     at the moment.

     To-Go Boxes, if they’re on the menu.

I would never have thought that I'd like Country music, but

once upon a time, sharing oxygen on a cattle truck in southern Georgia

would also have been a statistical anomaly.

My first time hearing "Friends in Low Places"

with orchestration behind it was

in a bar that I used a fake ID to get into.

I already knew all the words.

And now I love the Country.

I never thought that I’d meet a conservative immigrant

     until I started leaning a little more left

     and asking a few more questions aloud.

     I forgot once that people could be good, too.

I never, not once, went underfed growing up,

     though my parents and physicians

may’ve thought otherwise at times.

I have since gone hungry too many times.

     Some of those were with warrant, however.

     I believe those we care for should always eat before you.

     But should anyone, anywhere,

     have to ever ask themselves

can of peas or can of corn for dinner tonight

from the parking lot of the Dollar General

     while sifting through the last of the change

that they had honorably earned (but payday’s tomorrow!)?

     The lot does have okayish lighting

     so it’ll be safer to sleep in the car here.

     There’s that, I guess.

I never understood why people

     took their differences so seriously.

     You’re damn right I appropriated that.

     Because it’s fucking awesome!

     I’ll do it again and always.

     I hope you do the same.

     It’s clear to me now that

     we’re far more similar than we are,

     or ever could possibly be,

     different.

I never really believed in

     the things that they were telling me

     and, maybe, that’s why

     it's hard to believe in myself.